Harry Potter Stories on Crack
by synyde
Summary: Just a bunch of retarded stories that are funny.
1. HP Sorcerer's Stone B

**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**

**Disclaimer: I take no credit for characters.**

This is just humorous idiocy one of my best friends wrote 4 years ago.

Harry lived in the cupboard under the stairs where he masturbated on lonely nights to spiders and other bugs that lived in there with him.

He awoke one morning to find his uncle sitting in the cupboard with him. Harry was in deep shock and thought of calling the abuse control company. His uncle looked at him lighting up a piece of paper with wood and saying, "You say anything and your have a terrible pain in your ass forever."

So Harry got out and pondered the fact his uncle was gay. His aunt saw her husband and shot him. Dudley came running in and tripped, busting his balls, "OHH GOD!" he screamed. She took him to the hospital. Harry was alone…and he went back to the cupboard.

Some time later

Harry came out of the cupboard zipping up his pants with his hand that was burning because of too much friction. Dudley came home with the news he couldn't have kids. Harry pointed and laughed.


	2. HP Chamber of Secrets B

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets**

**Disclaimer: I take no credit for characters.**

Harry was promoted to an actual room. So he had more room to masturbate. Harry was very happy because his friend Ron sent him a bottle of lotion, so no friction.

Harry also developed a serious heroin habit, which probably explained why he thought he had four balls. Harry heard a knocking at his door, it was his uncle, "Its time!" He said holding a bottle of lube.

"NOOO!" Harry screamed. His wall busted in and it was Ron, in a freakin' flying car! Harry about fainted and told himself to get off the heroin.

"Get in!" Ron said. Harry got in the back where Hermione was. Ron put in ear plugs and flew away/


	3. HP Prisoner of Azkaban B

**Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban**

**Disclaimer: I take no credit for characters.**

I am afraid I lost this one, but if I find it I will replace it.


	4. HP Goblet of Fire B

**Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire**

**Disclaimer: I take no credit for characters.**

Harry sat in the hall where he killed his family. Now he didn't have to hide to masturbate.

The dead Dursley's started to stink which really turned him off. So Harry went to the local store to buy some air freshener. On the way he was stopped by Hermione who insisted they go in a cellar behind a house by themselves.

**3 hours later…**

Harry came out of the cellar fixing his glasses, while smoking a cig. He burnt himself and caught his glasses on fire. "OHH God!" and threw them to Hermione and caught her hair on fire. She went running down the road and people screaming, "AHH its Michael Jackson! Lock up your kids!"

So Harry didn't know what to do without her to fuck.

Harry got the air freshener and sprayed away, but the beans he ate got to him and he used some more.

He wasn't getting anywhere with the masturbation so he dialed a 900 number and made an appointment with a whore. The doorbell rang and he answered it…but it was his uncle! "Hi Harry, you ready for me!" He asked.

"NOOO!" Harry screamed and shut the door.

**Later…**

Harry started to cough making the sound of a cat coughing up a hairball. So he went to the backyard full of weed and threw a match. "AHH!" screamed Harry.

A siren was heard and a man's voice said, "You with the marijuana! You are under arrest!"


	5. HP Order of the Phoenix B

**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**

**Disclaimer: I take no credit for characters.**

Harry sat on his bed looking at the rotten dead corpses of his family. He had nothing to do so he went outside and got hit by a car. Laying there in the street he realized he felt no pain. Probably because of the morphine.

So he got up and went to the local grocery store. He went in and came out with 22 cases of Coor's Lite. A person saw him and said, "Holy Shizit what an alcoholic!" Harry looked at her and flipped her 'the bird'.

He stopped by a bar and picked up a whore and went home.


End file.
